Have you been displaying OR exaggerating discomfort OR distress in order to obtain sympathy OR admiration? Hard to admit, I know, but if you are and can own it, take a look at one of your formulas for life:

Displaying/Exaggerating + Discomfort/Distress = Sympathy/Admiration

Don’t these words exhaust you? Try to think of sympathy and admiration as the flat tires on the road to your best life. Don’t do things for sympathy or admiration. Do things because you want to make a difference and/or because you love doing them.

The recalculated formula:

Martyr = Harder

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Popularity: 52% [?]

What happens when we get too narrowly focused on a single outcome? Perhaps the better question is, “What doesn’t?” I recently summed up one of my past single outcome concentrations with this parable:

I’m just some guy in mid-1800′s America, who just traversed the length of the country to land in Eureka, California. All I’m trying to do is dig a hole for the foundation of my new house, but all this f—in’ gold keeps getting in my way!

Adopt a wide-view when it comes to your pursuits and you won’t miss the treasure that can surface during the course of your journey. For example: you are looking at a computer screen right now, but surely you can see what is on either side of you. Not clearly, but chances are I just brought more of your awareness to that fact. If we were certain that our desires were pointing us in the precise direction we were meant to go, perhaps we could ignore the periphery. But they often don’t and it is what happens along side of our well-intended efforts that can help us true our course, especially in uncharted waters. Bon voyage…

Popularity: 67% [?]

Back in the early seventies, Sheldon B. Kopp wrote a book called, “If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!” You could perhaps stop reading at the book’s cover to uncover one of the most important shifts one can make to eliminate gobs of unnecessary suffering. The premise here is that if you’ve made someone, outside of yourself, more pivotal than you in your quest to realize fulfillment — well then, they should be eliminated because they are an impostor. Our Buddhahood, if you will, is within and any validation that we seek from the external world, is an illusion.

Are you defined by who you are in the eyes of others and is this because you perceive them as having something you don’t? We whither from this perspective of lack and we can find freedom in exploring who we are without our tenuous connection to outside influence or, in many cases, affluence.

So if all we seek is already within us, how can we start to bring this truth forth? Well, perhaps a good starting place would be to un-deify those whom we’ve over-bloated to buddha proportions and re-relate to them as they truly are — flawed folks struggling to find meaning just like us.

Popularity: 58% [?]

Yesterday, Apple released the iPad. Nanoseconds later, much of the social media contingent ganged up to trash it. Okay. While the success of this product remains to be seen, the scowling reaction made me realize something: While it’s true that the microscope is on those who try, you’d need a telescope to see those who sit by.

Sideline chirping is fear-based and teaches nothing to the chirper. Failure on the playing field is a learning experience, but many avoid the pain involved. They instead settle for the dull ache of never bringing their original work out into an overly critical world. Have you ever felt vindicated about your own inaction because you watched someone else fall on their face? Is it really entertainment when American Idol continues to torture us with awful singing auditions, or is it simply justification for why we don’t dare?

If your dreams are never seeing the light of day, ask yourself, “Do you do, or do you don’t?” If your answer is the former, then go ahead and take your noble place on the playing field with the worst case outcome being iTried. If you’re intent on settling for the latter, well, I suppose there’s a ton of room in the grandstands for iTold-You-So.

Popularity: 28% [?]

In Greek mythology, Charybdis (kə•rib´•dis) was the daughter of Poseidon and Gaea. After she’d been caught stealing Hercules’ oxen, a pretty ticked-off Zeus banished her to the sea where she became a gigunda whirlpool in the Straight of Messina. Horrifically depicted as a single gaping mouth, she would suck in huge quantities of water and then belch them back out, thus creating a turbulent and unrelenting whirl of chaos. Sound like anyone you know?

I bring up this tragic Greek figure because, chances are, there is a Charybdis in your life and they just might be harboring a similar background story. Not that there’s anyone out there still stealing oxen for kicks, but rest assured, these people are paying in some way for some wrong. But rather than chalking it up to their own shortcoming, we instead empower them with our desperately dramatic reactions and weaken our own spirit in the warped process. Now there’s the tragedy.

So what do you do with them? Well, first consider this question: “Would you say that Charybdis comes at her victims from a place of power or weakness?” Heck, she’s banished to do what it is she does for all eternity — sounds pretty vulnerable to me. Simply know this about your menacing monster and you’ll inspire the necessary paradigm shift in perspective that will help you regain your power and ideally release you from the grip of this truly mythological vortex.

Popularity: 30% [?]

This diagram shows how magicians saw people in half. Apparently, a contortionist assistant crumbles herself into one side of a box, while some fake feet stick out of the other. This gives the illusion of a whole person.

Many of my coaching clients show up looking this way. Scrunched up into a limited life circumstance, with a phony set of feet planted somewhere that they’d rather not be. Their audience (whether it be their boss, family, friends, colleagues) see a whole person, but the individual knows deep down that it is only an illusion.

There is always the fear that venturing outside of the box will compromise their well-received and socially acceptable illusion, but that is precisely what is necessary to reconnect somebody to their own true feet. Feet that walk confidently along an authentically genuine path, despite the opinions and criticisms of others.

Successfully challenge your obligation to any illusions that you’ve created along the way, for whatever good reason, and you will no doubt clear the way for something better…perhaps, even magical.

Popularity: 67% [?]

Overheard a couple on the street talking about how pathetic holiday lights and decorations look when kept up after New Year’s day. Heard another guy complaining about when the hell his neighbor was, “gonna take all his crap down.” A couple of weeks ago, those who set their homes aglow were looked upon, by those who appreciate such things, as having exuberant spirit. Seems that in only a matter of days, the holiday spectacle went from the festive to the fruitless. I reckon this is what happens when something becomes disconnected from its purpose.

Are there parts of your life that appear as a flurry of lights, but there’s no longer any meaning beneath it to support the display? You could be lingering in a life circumstance that’s long since served its purpose or, perhaps, was only intended to be a mere stepping stone. If you’re routinely grumbling about feeling bored, rudderless or frustrated, you just might be in need of reexamining what really matters to you now. The evolution of one’s life purpose is just that, an evolution, and we avoid a slew of unnecessary suffering when we evolve with it.

Take inventory on what still fits and what doesn’t and question your obligation to preserving it. In the material world we call this de-cluttering. In the emotional world, think of it as a way to get your heart re-fluttering. So, should old acquaintance be forgot? Nope, just the stuff that no longer serves your ever-evolving purpose.

Popularity: 23% [?]

My grandfather Gus lived ’til the ripe age of 98. As you would expect, the man saw a ton in his lifetime. This fact would however become extra poignant every time we saw him at yet another funeral. He’d attended those of his elders, his siblings, extended family, friends, half his children, well — you get the idea. Sad stuff, no doubt. My quick story begins when one of these crushing and grievous events hit home for me.

Grief stricken and inconsolable, I’d heard about all the “I’m sorrys” I could handle, so I looked for a distraction. There sat my grandparents as they’d done so many times before. I decided to go and crumble in front of them, figuring that 90 some years on the planet might bring forth some words of wisdom and healing. My head in their lap, Gus put his hand on my shoulder and said, “aw David, whattaya gonna do?”

I wanted to say, “What! That’s it? Are you kidding? You lived through two World Wars, the Great Depression, Watergate, Ishtar, tragedies all, and the only thing you got is ‘whattaya gonna do?’ Gee thanks grandpa!” I wanted to say that, but I didn’t. I didn’t because my body said something else. My body felt a release. So strange, but for all the heartfelt condolences it was these words that brought a temporary relief to the un-relievable. Once I stopped arguing with the reality that was facing me, I was more “free” to grieve. Easier said than done under these circumstances I assure you, but is there a place of less significance where your attempts to control the uncontrollable are over-consuming you?

Our obligation to the belief that we are in total control, or even can be with the right amount of effort and diligence, is a blueprint for untold suffering. Just ask anyone in their 90′s how their quest for total control panned out. Some situations require fervent action, some don’t. The challenge is knowing the difference. Lao Tzu offered, “To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.” Gus offered, “Whattya gonna do?” Gee…thanks grandpa. No really, thank you.

Popularity: 22% [?]

So I had this dream the other night about the fateful and inevitable day that my little one is going to be embarrassed to be seen with me. Oh it’s a long way off yet, but armed with some vivid descriptions of this moment from a smattering of well-seasoned parents, my sleepy subconscious manifested a heartbreaking rendition of this bittersweet milestone. Should I, when the time comes, be content with simply writing this off as obnoxious and ungrateful adolescent angst? Not so fast…

I got to wondering why, for all the metaphoric child/parent internal conflict references in the psychology vernacular (wounded child, the good enough mother, etc.), there’s no clear homage paid to this dynamic. Perhaps there ought to be because don’t you remember a million times when you were embarrassed to be seen with yourself? Now it doesn’t just happen one day, but over the course of many. Small, insidious and gathering steam from your very first cannonball into the pool of socialization. To keep your friends and peers from, among other things, dumping a vat of pig’s blood on you at the prom, you concoct a little story here, a little phony façade there and before you know it, you’re cruising down recognition road completely obligated to wondering, “how does this look to everyone?”

How much of this parochial posturing still exists in your life? I’m sure that these days your social status can survive having mom or dad in tow, but have you reconciled the parts of yourself that you continually banish to never-gonna-know-this-about-me land? Some secrets are best kept as secrets I know, but I’m talking about the born writer who doesn’t write or the innately skilled plumber who doesn’t plumb because the familial or social ridicule might be too much to bear. If we imagine for a second that our burning passions were an ideal parent figure, then our eye-rolling and disregard of their wisdom, just so we can “fit in” socially, can be incredibly obnoxious and ungrateful. Plain and simple: we suffer when we are out of alignment with our purpose. So resist the urge to drop the best parts of yourself at the corner, pull the car up right in front of those who like you to be the way they like you to be and start unabashedly living YOUR own truth.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Back in grad school, I coined the phrase Obligation Nation.  Borrowing from Eric Schlosser’s iconic book title Fast Food Nation, I was attempting to summarize the findings of an assignment that required the application of psychological theory/practice to my own dyed-in-the-wool neuroses.  Sounds like a real hoot, right?  Well, what did come from it was an apt and all-encompassing container which has served to hold, and help deconstruct, many of those less than shining moments where I’m left astounded and wondering, “why’d I do that” or “how come I keep suffering over this.”  Turns out most of us possess a psychologically and socially driven sense of obligation to a slew of limiting stories and beliefs, many of which are of our own design.  No wonder we’re so loyal to them — naughty little narcissists!

Living up to one’s obligations has become synonymous with being virtuous, yet I speak not of the legal/moral variety, that is to say paying your taxes, child support or pretending to love a gift you actually hate.  No, I’m talking about being obliged to thoughts that land us in lives of low satisfaction because somewhere along the road we bought into the notion that we’re non-creative, non-inspiring, non-intelligent, non-capable, non-lovable, non-________ (fill in your own blank).  NON-sense!  Such a misguided obscuring of reality serves only to transfer your power to someone, or something, that has no clue how to nurture and maintain your own innate ability to thrive and contribute.

Thanks in part to Mr. Schlosser, the days of ordering a Big Mac, large fries and a diet coke (diet? — who the hell was I kidding) are long since behind me, but in moments of non-presence I continue to pull up to hear the shrieking drive-thru drivel that my reptilian mind relentlessly spews forth hoping for my blind compliance (kindly pull up to the next window please and then, perhaps jump out of it!).  These unchecked and incessant irrational thoughts are a debilitatingly common thread in the earnest dialogue of my therapy, coaching and equine workshop clients.  I’d be honored if you’d join me, along with them, in renouncing our citizenship to what has become an epic and widespread Obligation Nation and, with eyes wide open, defiantly question the strength of these inglorious, imprisoning and self-imposed shackles.

Popularity: 36% [?]